Knicks Get Primer on Avoiding Chris Paul
On Tuesday, the National Basketball Association sent its teams a delightful common-sense reminder not to tamper with players under contract like the New Orleans superstar Chris Paul, who had been the subject of numerous illicit trade rumors and seductive Tweets from Cleveland ex-pat LeBron James.
The following is the tampering reminder sent to the New York Knicks, who were among the teams reportedly intrigued by Mr. Paul:
1. If Chris Paul sends you flowers, send them back. See if he wants Eddie Curry, too.
2. If Chris Paul sends you Zabar's, send it back. Okay, keep the rugelach. But that's it.
3. If Chris Paul tries to friend you on Facebook, ignore the request.
4. If Chris Paul can get you two tickets to ''Merchant of Venice,'' don't go.
5. If you are introduced Chris Paul at a party, keep mistakenly referring to him as Ron Paul.
6. If Chris Paul asks to see the top of the Empire State Building, show him the roof of Gray's Papaya instead.
7. If Chris Paul wants to pitch the 8th inning for the Yankees instead of Joba, deny him. Actually, you know what? Let him.
8. If you see Chris Paul walking down the street toward you, immediately hold your phone to your ear and begin having a very loud, animated pretend conversation about your head lice. Or the Mets.
9. If Chris Paul asks for the name of a good Italian restaurant in New York, start laughing uproariously, and tell him there are no Italian restaurants in New York, and never have been.
10. If Chris Paul asks for the time, just tell him it's "Time to Bring in Bobby Valentine."
11. If Chris Paul asks to meet the two biggest celebrities in New York, bring him Ernie Anastos and Dr. Zizmor.
12. If Chris Paul moves into your apartment building, regularly steal his copies of Free Agent Point Guard and The New Yorker in the vestibule.
13. If you meet a person who is very ill, and their last wish is to meet Chris Paul, be respectful, but secretly try to get them excited about Amare Stoudemire.
14. If Chris Paul says he can explain 'Inception,' ignore him. Okay, listen for a minute and see if he's figured it out.
15. If Chris Paul comes up to you and whispers that he really, really wants to come to play for the Knicks, just walk away. But first, sneak him the rugelach.
